Being Not Okay

I have been gratitude journaling for more than a month. Every day. It helps me to appreciate life in a whole different level. But lately, I couldn’t bring myself to it. 

Saying “it’s okay to not be okay” is unbelievably lame. In fact, I used it in my first blog. But sometimes, I couldn’t bring myself to believe it.

I know under all the gratitude, I am not okay.

My stomach feels terrible.

Activities that I always enjoyed have only bred insecurities. They bring me no joy but stress and anxiety which aggravate my performance. I wish one day I won’t feel like the most untalented person in the world. I wish one day I can be normal.

Seasonal depression—or maybe it isn’t about seasons after all—has returned. I have gotten nothing done after school (not that we got much done at school this interim). Trust me, as an overachiever in high school, this is like the end of the world. (Apparently, exaggeration does not make me feel better. I’ve tried being an edgy teenager.)

Suicidal thoughts came back, too. Though I haven’t told anyone, I’ll hand my keys to my host family and stop driving if I have them one more day. I don’t want to risk my life. I want to live. Every little thing could go wrong. If I simply close my eyes for three seconds. Please help me, dear universe. Please don’t let me hurt anybody.

I feel ugly and monstrous. Inside and out.

Is it the weather? The coldest winter was gone. We just had a gorgeous sunny day. But I guess monsters always come into sight at the least expected time. They hide in your shadows and attack when you’re laughing with your friends thinking everything will be fine. That maybe it’s different this time. 

I’d like to believe that it’s the darkest moment before dawn. Like when you write about the “Dark Night of The Soul” in a novel. It’s a mountain that I can, and will, conquer. Except that, no matter how much I love writing, real life is much more excruciating than any fiction. 

I have hope somewhere inside me, although I wish to disappear. The rock on my chest is so massive that I scarcely feel the pain in my stomach. I haven’t been studying. I haven’t been writing. I haven’t been petting my cats. I long to do the things that bring me joy, but I couldn’t bring myself to.

I hope no one who knows me is reading this. If you are, know that I’m terribly sorry for sharing and that I love you.

(This was written on February 6th, 2019. I suppose I am feeling a lot better when this is published. I’ll be okay. Maybe it will take a couple days, maybe it will take two weeks. But don’t worry, I’ll be okay.)

9 thoughts on “Being Not Okay

  1. I can relate to that so much. I also had a time in my life, when I thought nothing makes sense and all I could feel was like being a burden to everyone. You write that you want to live and that you don’t want to hurt anyone. That is good. Also writing about your feelings. You can overcome that mountain of pain. I bottled my feelings up for way too long, until I could not stop crying. I hated myself for being weak. But my parents and friends were glad when I finally opened up because they wanted to help me but could not. Know that you are not alone. Talk to someone you trust and don’t put too much pressure on yourself. When you are not in the mood for anything, that is okay. One day, maybe with some warmer and sunnier days, you feel better and smile again. It takes time, but that is okay. You are loved. You are a human being and not perfect. Whenever you need someone to talk, I am here for you.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much! It’s very heart-warming every time I see your comment.
      Yeah, it was painful especially because every time when I started thinking I might be doing okay, it went downhill again. You’re strong. Crying helps me a lot; I try to read books that make me cry (if I have the motivation to read) so I can let out the emotions. And reading helps to transform me to another world in general; sometimes I can temporarily escape from my thoughts. I do feel better now 🙂 Thank you again for being here for me. Happy early Valentine’s Day!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I cry a lot, honestly. Even movies make me cry. You are strong, too. One day, you will push those clouds away and see the beautiful sunshine again. I thought back then, that I had to feel good to not bother anyone. You feel the way you do, and you can show that. Those people who matter, will understand because they love you for who you are. Be your true self. Don’t try to hide, or pretend to be happy for others when you are not. I did that, and it made me feel even lonelier. Do whatever you enjoy and don’t forget you matter and so do your feelings! Happy early Valentine’s Day to you as well 🤗

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I cry during movies too. Stories quickly make me emotional. It’s gorgeous outside and I feel okay today. It’s so reassuring to hear that. Most of the time it’s easier to pretend and think if I do it long enough it will come true. But knowing that my loved ones know how I feel and still accept me actually makes me feel better. Thank you so much!

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  2. Hi, I can see you struggling and I want you to know that it is okay to feel and think like this. Talking about it helps. You say you want to be normal but there isn’t a normal. You are strong, you are more than you know or willing to accept. I feel you need to start accepting parts of you and loving you. You have a purpose in this world even if you don’t know what it is YET. Just keep going and if you need a chat, I’m always here even though I’m a unknown person. Keep smiling.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much! Your comment means a lot to me. You’re right, normality is overrated. I put “don’t underestimate how much you’re grown and conquered” on my wall because I always forget. I really appreciate your kindness and wisdom.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s absolutely awful that you’re feeling like this, but it is valid too. It sounds cheesy and a lot easier said than done, but I know that with time, things will get better for you. You’re going through a hard time right now, but it’s good that you still want to live. As long as you keep fighting, things will improve. I’m certain of this. Even if all you do each day is survive, I am so proud of you. Remember to celebrate the small achievements and look after yourself as much as you can. Keep pushing through and I know that one day, you’ll look back on how you feel now and be proud of how far you’ve come. You’ll think, “I had to go through some stuff to get here, and I’ve earned the happiness I feel now.” I don’t know you personally, but know that I am always here to talk, whether about mental health or just as a friend. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your comment! I do believe things will get better. Actually, it did, although I never know how long will it last. Definitely. Every day there is a fight in my mind between the desire to survive and the desire to leave, but I know which one is really me instead of my anxiety/depression. Thank you! That’s really good advice! Yes, I’ll be proud of what I overcame. I really appreciate your kindness and support! ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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