Hello, World

Hey. Hello. Sorry. 

I haven’t posted for a long time, and today is the day that I tell myself to just write something, anything, to share it with the world and get back to the habit. 

I didn’t stop writing. I made progress on my novel The Promises of the Wilderness and I kept a journal about things that are the most important to me. I had something that I really care about and wanted to share, but I put too much pressure on myself and my anxiety started to act up and I ended up not being able to do it.

I have done a lot in the past month. I read lots of books, went to a fascinating field school, and started a new relationship. I slept in and watched Netflix in a bathtub (don’t worry, there wasn’t any water) and took care of myself. I went to the pride parade and grew more comfortable in my identity. I went to the mall and got ice cream with my roommate and walked barefoot in the grass to watch the sky. I took sunset photos every day because often times we forget how beautiful the earth is, from pink to orange to purple to blue. 

I write this blog post because it’s something I really like to do, and so many times I gave up (or worse, never started) things I love due to fear and anxiety, and this time I don’t want to.

It stormed several times the past week. Once when I was driving to a friend’s house, the rain was so heavy that I couldn’t see what was in front of me. I was frightened. Another afternoon, the thunder was roaring so angrily that even though I hid under the blankets in the bathtub, it haunted me until I was unable to breathe. Even narrow spaces were no longer safe enough. I’m writing this while listening to the fireworks that sound like bombs (I’m sorry but they do) and my anxiety is currently too much for me to watch fireworks.

I knew my fears are irrational. Anxiety is irrational. 

But I safely arrived at my friend’s house and we had fun hanging out. My significant other supported me through the rough times and I did not have an anxiety attack. (In fact, I haven’t had an anxiety attack since February. It almost got me a few times, but I learned more about how to manage my anxiety and things that trigger me. When I saw it coming, I turned up my music and told myself to breathe and reached out to someone, and I got over it.) My roommate just made me hot tea. I ate two cinnamon sticks. My version is not blurry anymore and I write this blog post, even though my body is still shivering.

It got better, and it will get better. Not immediately, because everything is a process. But it does get better, I promise. There are no happy endings, only happy middles. 

The sky was dyed from blue to pink from fireworks.

Happy Fourth of July!

I am grateful that I came to America. America isn’t perfect. I hesitate to say this, but it’s far from perfect. If you’re not white, male, straight, cisgender, Christian, upper-middle class, able-bodied, etc., life can be even more difficult. Terrible things are happening in detention camps (or concentration camps, as someone accurately describes). We’re allowed to be proud, but we’re also allowed to be angry. People told me that it’s not my country and thus not my place to judge. But my friends and my chosen family are here. I care deeply about this place, and I want to be a part of the change that makes it better.

Like many people in my generation, I want to change the world one day. Baby steps.

~ Ocean ~

New Year Resolutions for 2019

Happy New Year! 

I’ve always found New Year more special than Christmas; it’s a new start, a new chance to be a better self. I heard people say that they don’t do New Year Resolution because they give them up during the first one or two months. In my opinion, the secret of success is making goals SMART—specific, measurable, achievable, relevant and time-bound—except that there is no expiration date because I want them to be long-term habits. Because of that, this list might sound more like a habit tracker than resolutions.

  1. Write a to-do list every day

To-do lists increase my productivity and reduce my anxiety. This will be the first thing I do in the morning during weekends or after school during weekdays since I usually don’t know my homework beforehand. Other than that, I will do a weekly reflection every Sunday, tracking every goal I set for myself. Catching up the goals I didn’t finish the previous day added lots of stress, so I add a new rule for 2019: if I don’t finish something one day, write a no on it. It doesn’t count if I do double-work the next day. Hopefully, this rule will eliminate procrastination or snowballing my workload and allow me to have a fresh start every day.

2. Volunteer once a week

Since I came to this community two and a half years ago, it has nurtured and buttressed me with kindness and care. I want to pay it forward. We didn’t get to do much in Pay It Forward club this year because of the time limit, but during a school interim my friends and I helped out at a bunny house where we did lots of much-needed work. I messaged to volunteer, and I hope to go back there.

3. Work out twice a week

I firmly believe that physical health is the foundation of mental health. But when life got in the way, I procrastinated exercise after everything else. This year I decided to treat myself better. My host family includes me in their gym family membership card, which provides a convenient route for me to work out regularly. To be honest, during the last thirty minute of my last work out I have ever felt the most positive for a long time.

4. Study for SAT half an hour every day (and get 1500 in May!)

The college I want to go is fairly selective, so I want to make myself as competitive as possible on things that I can change. Thanks to the free resources on Khan Academy, during summer I improved my score by a hundred points, so maybe another hundred won’t be that hard? Just kidding. It’s hard. I’m considering buying an online tutoring course from SupertutorTV on Youtube, so please leave a comment below if you have tried it. Some days I wonder why do I try to hard since standardized tests don’t really help me grow as a person. But we all need to sacrifice for things we want, right?

5. Do college search an hour every week

It’s almost the second semester of my junior year! College stress seems to follow me like my shadow. I already have a list of college, but I still need to narrow it down and take a closer look. I feel behind, even though I’m probably not. I also need to plan a college visit during spring break when my mother comes to the U.S. …….It will be interesting, for sure.

6. Read a book every week

Every writer is a reader. When I’m feeling down, a good book helps me to escape from reality. In 2019, I want to read 52 books. It should be totally achievable since I’m reading a book every day during winter break……I’ll write the book of the week on my weekly to-do list every Sunday, the day when I stay at the library from open to close (it’s a shame that libraries only open from noon to four o’clock on Sundays).

7. Edit my novel for two hours every week

I finished the first draft of my second YA novel (currently titled “Counting Clouds”) during National Novel Writing Month! I didn’t completely put it aside during December since I unwisely started rewriting it without a revision outline or notes, but my plan is to finish the second draft, to make a revision outline, to take notes on all the character/plot developmental problems, and to write the third draft! Meanwhile, I’ll participate in the “Now What?” months on the NaNoWriMo website, and hopefully I’ll find a couple of new critique partners.

8. Work on other writing projects for an hour every week

I have been focusing on novel writing for the past four months, but I also enjoy writing poems and short stories. I want to explore different forms of creative writing and have at least two short stories that I’m really proud of by the end of the year. The benefit of poetry and short stories is you get more chances. Even though you finish one and don’t like it, there’s always time for another.

9. Attend the local Wordsmith meeting every month

This year I really want to become more engaged in the writing community and put myself out there. Fortunately, our local library has a writer’s group that meets every month to critique each other’s work. Sharing your work is scary, but I will summon all the courage I need and submit every month, as well as reading others’ work. Although most writers in the group are much older, I hope to make some friends.

10. Blog every Tuesday

I’m so glad that I started this blog! Blogging is an amazing creative outlet and I love to write about my writing and life experience. I will post consistently just for own my sake. Having a schedule keeps my life organized and avoids last-minute cursory work.

11. Comment on two other blog posts every day

One of the main reasons that I joined the blogging community is that I want to read the others’ experience—listening to people with other perspectives is part of the education—to learn from them, maybe to even build some friendships (despite how socially awkward I am). I want to encourage those who share a passion of writing with me, those who are battling mental illnesses, and those who try to live their lives the fullest in spite of all the difficulties.

12. Spend half an hour creating the literary magazine every week and hold a meeting every month

This year I’m the editor in chief of the literary magazine in our school. Because our school is tiny, the works of putting a magazine together are pretty much on me and a few friends who volunteered to help. Again, because of the nature of our school, begging people to submit is a struggle. But since it’s something we’re passionate about, the final result will turn out to be worth it.

13. Spend an hour co-writing a play with a friend every week

Our school has a tradition: all the sixth grader will perform a play in spring. Thanks to the recommendation of my English teacher, this year my friend and I have the opportunity to co-write the play script for next year. We had struggled, but we’re getting it. I’m so grateful for her theatre experience—it makes thing so much less confusing.

14. Journal 15 minutes before bed every day

I picked up the habit of journalling during summer, and I literally spent hours on it every day. So once school started and I didn’t have the leisure time, I had to give up. This year I decided to set a limit for myself and only write about the most meaningful moments. I want to draft down three to five specific things that I’m grateful for every day, as well as a weekly book review. Maybe I’ll even post some of them here!

15. Go to bed before 10: 30 PM

My sleep schedule has been really messed up. Going to bed after midnight and wake up at ten o’clock doesn’t exactly make me feel energetic. Furthermore, I won’t be able to sleep in once break ends. So I resolved to get intentional about bedtime. There will be days when inspirations come, and as a desperate writer I couldn’t resist; days that I find a book that’s just impossible to put down. But it won’t happen more than once or twice per month.

As you see in this post, I’m a very goal-oriented person. But in the new year, I want to be more growth-oriented. I want to try the big and scary things that would help me grow. I want to show gratitude to my loved ones. I want to be kind to everyone at school even though I don’t necessarily like them. But these are unmeasurable, so I made up my mind to only keep them in my heart.

What are your new year resolutions?