How I Want To Feel In 2019

As an INTJ (MBTI personality test), I find myself making decisions based on gut feelings more and more recently. There is nothing wrong with it: how we feel is largely connected with our values and where we want to be in our lives. When I was watching Youtube videos for New Year Resolution inspirations, Lavendaire suggested making a list of how do you want to feel in the new year. So here’s my list:

  • I want to feel motivated and creatively inspired for the right reason. I was told many times by my family, friends, and even teachers that I am too hard on myself. I always smile and dismiss their comments, because that’s what it takes to be a self-starter, right? But when I sit down and reflect my values, I realize I was motivated by the wrong reason. I don’t want to study just because of the GPA, but for the love of learning. I don’t want to write just because of the dream of writing something that will outlive me, but for the desire of writing. I don’t want to volunteer just because it would look good on my college application, but for the care of my community. In summary, I want to be more growth-oriented rather than reward-oriented.
  • I want to feel youthful. I had always been a “mature” kid. I learned to take care of myself at a young age so my parents never need to worry. But the more I spend time with myself, the more I discover that although I had been proud of the label, I wasn’t happy behaving the way society encouraged instead of being myself. I was too prudent, taking things too seriously, and unwilling to take risks. In the new year, I want to be more open to new adventures. I’m seventeen, for heaven’s sake!
  • I want to feel curious. When a kid is first invited into the world, they is curious and excited about everything. “Look, there is a dog!” “What is that flower called?” “Why do we brush our teeth before washing our faces?” I still ask these questions to my loved ones, and they always explain patiently to me. But sometimes I feel self-conscious about if I am seen childish or odd. Like my friend said, I don’t know anyone wise who isn’t childish, at least in their personal life. In the new year, I want to care less about what others think and keep an open eye on the world.
  • I want to feel free. I craved for freedom ever since I was born. I longed for America, the land of free. Although the land of free turned out to be flawed as any other country, I found a host family who loves me for who I am. Since then, my friends had described me as a child a heart, and I’m freaking proud of it. I want to explore the endless possibilities in the world without the fear of failure. I’m young and I have the freedom to fail as many times as needed.
  • I want to feel secure. Despite my love for freedom, I have often felt rootless. I don’t have a close relationship with my family and my host family is more like friends than blood. I have been up all night, questioning the meaning of “home” and will I ever find one. I fantasize about building a family with the girl of my dream (hey, it’s legal here!) and my cats, but how can I start a family without feeling secure in myself? In 2019, I want to reassure myself that my parents don’t define me. I am almost an adult, and I can be on my own.
  • I want to feel peaceful. Anxiety has kept me from feeling peaceful for a long time. Although I haven’t had an anxiety attack since December, 7th (Yay!), I need to take deep breathers several times every day to convince myself everything is okay. Journaling helps a little bit, but I still have a long way to go. Peacefulness isn’t something you achieve like finishing your homework or writing a thousand words. I hope in 2019, my healthier lifestyle would guide me to find peace in my heart.
  • I want to feel confident. Low self-esteem is pretty common among teenagers and many of my friends and I suffer from it. I grew up in a culture where kids (especially girls) are told to be humble. I value humility, but talking down myself isn’t the healthiest way to do it. A factor that plays into self-deprecating jokes is my fear of criticism. Somehow glass-hearted me think that convincing myself that my works are crappy and worthless will prepare me to not feel heartbroken when others tell me so. NO. I love my writings and creations, and trash-talking them only kills me. In the new year, I want to stop telling others I’m not good enough. Because I’m awesome.
  • I want to feel worthy. Towards the end of 2018, I discovered one of my unhealthiest habits: I judged my self-worth based on my productivity. I was guilty every time I am doing nothing because wasting time felt unethical and intolerable. In another words, I blamed myself for being a human. I’m still looking for the line between self-acceptance and self-improvement, but I want to remember that I am worthy of love, friendships, and opportunities just by being myself.

How do you want to feel in 2019?