Summer plans!

Hi! I didn’t come up with a topic this week so I decided to share a list of things that I’m doing this summer.

Events

  • Moving in (with a friend)
  • Review archaeology
  • Vacation cultural school meetings
  • Archaeological camp
  • Orthodontist appointment
  • St. Louis Pride Parade
  • Kenyon Young Writer’s Workshop
  • Tennis camp
  • Moving in (with my new host family)
  • SAT
  • Wordsmith meetings

Adventures

  • Go to Ted Drewes (ice creams!)
  • Go on long walks
  • Go to the Loop with friends
  • Make art
    • Dye clothes

To-dos

  • Write college application essays
  • Co-write a play for our school’s theatre production with a friend
  • Write the first draft of my newest novel
  • Edit a short story for an anthology
  • Building a writing & photography brand 
    • Blog weekly
    • Build a website
    • Post photos on Instagram daily
    • Submit to magazines
  • Learn more words
  • Put together a portfolio
  • Read books (both fiction and non-fiction)
  • Journal
  • Learn to cook
  • Work out
    • Build muscles
  • Volunteer
    • Rabbit society
    • Local library
  • Read news
  • Take Zumba classes

I can’t believe I’m going to be a senior next year!

PS: Happy Pride Month!

~Ocean~

I Wish I’m Not Good at Math

Whenever my friends grumble about how difficult math or computer science are to them, I get really jealous.

My friends mostly have the same interests as me. Drawing, singing, photography, creative writing. Analyze and compare literature and historical documents. Most of them aren’t sure about what they want to study in college, and I don’t either. But I have some vague ideas: philosophy, anthropology, history, English, creative writing……

But every time I hear that kind of conversation, I start second-guessing myself. You understand math formula faster than any other student. Your teacher said you’re “gifted” in computer science. You’re two chapters ahead of everyone else in statistics. Without even trying. Even your friend who never gets math isn’t sure that they’re not going to study science. Are you sure you don’t want to go into the STEM field?

“You’re wasting your talents,” They say. And for a long time, I believed it.

Growing up, my math and science grade is always higher than language art and social science. My father is a math genius. He got the highest math score out of thirty thousand people and studied physics in college. My mother works with computers all her life. “I’m not bragging, I’m blaming my genes,” I told my friends. Some people feel like they were born with the wrong body, but I feel like I was born with the wrong talents.

No one has told me I’m a bad writer. I am good at writing, too. I’m a profound thinker, too. I get straight A’s in English and history, too. Maybe there is something less apparent about the achievements in them.

But I danced in my bedroom for minutes the day my English teacher first told me I’m a brilliant writer. I jumped up and down like a child when I got a story idea in the middle of the night. I smiled so hard that my muscle hurt and then cried for hours when I finished the first draft of my novel.

I am a writer. I am a writer. I am a writer.

“But you’re so smart,” They say, “You could totally be an engineer or something!”

Yes, I can.

But I’ll be miserable.

I wish I’m not good at math because society values STEM over humanities and arts. I wish I’m not good at math because if I choose my passion, somehow that will make me less worthy of respect. I wish I’m not good at math so I won’t feel guilty “wasting my talents” to do something that I’m actually passionate about.

I think the world needs more creator. I believe creating arts that feed people’s soul is just as important, if not more, as creating new technologies that bring convenience to people. I see arts as a tool to express yourself and make people feel less alone, and most importantly, something so fascinating and intriguing that I want to “waste my whole life on”.

Creativity is my core value. It’s one of the reasons I left my home country; the education there eliminated creativity. They were trying to kill the creator inside me, which is equal to killing me. I’m sure math can be creative in some way, but I just don’t get it.

I’m a writer, an artist, and a mathematician. If I want to put “writer” before “mathematician”, that’s okay. This is my life and my choice, and I have full control over it.

Balancing school, writing, and self-care

Whether I am watching Youtube videos, reading blog posts, or talking to writer friends, balancing writing with life is a topic that gets mentions again and again. As a high school junior, I barely have time to write with homework, studying for standardized tests and extracurricular activities. Needless to say, the anxious voice in my head consistently seeks to persuade me that I’m not good enough, therefore I’m not going to make it.

For years, I struggle to be productive without sacrificing my mental health. Everyone says balance is the key for a healthy and happy life, but a balance is always this mysterious thing that no one captures. Luckily, after devoting tons of time to reflect on past mistakes and reading other people’s advice, I figured out a few tips that are most helpful for me. Although the definition of balance is different for everyone, I hope you find this post helpful.

1.Make your goal realistic

I have seen this advice in many places and dismissed it many times. As an ambitious overachiever, I stupidly thought that maybe that the human condition won’t apply to me. I filled my to-do list with goals that I should be able to accomplish if I use every second of my life effectively. No. The truth is, I am a human. I can’t write every second that I’m alive like Hamilton did (or at least that what they say in the musical). There will be days that I space out. Days that I come home from school exhausted and dysfunctional. Or worse, days that thing didn’t go my way, and after all the unintentional overthinking and overanalyzing, I freak out and have a mental meltdown. I learned one lesson the hard way: forgive yourself for not being perfect. When you have a bad mental health day, pushing yourself to study or write for three hours straight might not be a good idea. Take a break. Add relaxation into your schedule: if you have four hours after school, plan to study and write for two and a half or three hours. Expected things are going to happen at the most inconvenient time. And we all have the experience of being so overwhelmed and end up doing nothing. Rather than failing and feeling guilty, setting realistic goals will make your life is much healthier! In the meanwhile, if you don’t have the habit to write a to-do list, start doing it! It only takes less than one minute, but it will take off tons of stress in your mind.

2. Sleep, eat healthy, and workout 

I came from a culture that has an unhealthy notion of productivity. Growing up, my parents talked about how American college students sleep three hours every day and insisted me to do the same. Okay, first, that’s definitively not true. Second, this misconception belittles the importance of self-care and encourages people to overwork themselves. Maybe that’s why my parents are workaholics. Our biological body is designed this way for a reason. I believe psychical health builds up emotional health: after eight or nine hours of sleep, the little things in life don’t irritate me as much. Similarly, sometimes I’m mad at someone for no reason, and end up figuring out that I’m just hungry. So sleep for as long as you need (but don’t overdo it), and eat nutritious food that makes your body feel good. After filling your stomach with unhealthy snacks during the National Novel Writing month, December is the time to treat yourself better. Last but not least, exercise. I haven’t been working much recently, which probably explains why I feel tired all the time. Go for walks when the weather is good, or simply follow the instructions on Youtube and do some stretches in your room. A little exercise every day can go a long way.

3. Prioritize schoolwork

Most days when I come home from school, I’m not in the mood of doing homework, even though I LOVE homework. Our teachers rarely give us busy work; the reading/worksheets/projects we’re working on are usually really interesting and I can’t be more grateful for my education. It’s just so tempting to open a new document or a blank page and write. In my monthly reflection, there is always a note “finish your homework before writing!” From time to time I become resentful. Writing is what I am passionate about, why in the world should I place it after schoolwork? Deep down, I know the answer. I need to study because my dream college requires a certain GPA and standardized test score. Even though getting a nearly-perfect score on the SAT isn’t important in term of personal growth, I choose to make the sacrifice. When I get home, I do my homework and study. If I only write 300 words, it’s okay. I’m still young. I have time. Don’t feel obligated to write every day; it’s good to have a routine, but you do not have to prove to anyone that you’re a writer.

4. Take advantage of weekends and breaks

I love weekends because I can catch up with all the reading and writing. I love to spend a whole morning or afternoon typing undisturbed by my desk or at the local library. When inspiration comes, I won’t feel guilty for staying up until one A.M. drafting a short story because there is no school tomorrow. I used to be obsessed with writing a certain amount of words every day until I learned that I work better with a more flexible schedule. A writer’s current state of mind will always reflect in their writing. If they’re stressed over a deadline, the reader can see through it. That’s why for me, the holiday season is the most productive time of the year. Winter break is approaching! I hope everyone can squeeze time to write between all the eating, drinking, chatting, and reflecting on the year.

5. Use writing as a form of self-care

Writing has always been therapeutic for me. It helps me escape from the world, the concept of reality, and myself. I also use writing to research, to reach out to others, and to question the universe. But when I get too reward-oriented, the desire to accomplish something can ruin the joy of creating it. Sure, I want to write a novel that will make people think and feel, but I also just enjoy writing. I want to stop worrying about how imperfect my manuscript is, because it’ll never be perfect. And imperfection is one of those things that make life so beautiful. Allow yourself to the taste of pride after finishing the schoolwork, to tap the keyboard like it’s once and only a lifetime. My favorite YouTuber, Shaelinwrites, talked about treating writing as a reward for studying, and I personally find extremely helpful and stress-reliving.

6. Stop hurrying

I have dreams. Big dreams. I wanted to publish a book before I turn eighteen. I wanted to build a platform before my twenties. Sixteen-year-old me got way ahead of herself. Sit down, take a deep breath, and think. Girl, you’re still in high school. Your friends just start thinking about the colleges they want to go and the careers they want to pursue. There is no hurry. Think about the beginning of everything: why do you want to write a book? I want to tell stories. Beautiful stories. I want to make others feel less alone. I want to make people laugh and cry and think hard. I believe in the beauty and power of words. Years ago, when the lonely little girl didn’t have any friend, her characters came into life and embraced her with a warm hug. She cried. I don’t want to be the person who forgets herself in the competition of others. So I wrote this down to remind myself of my purpose. Creativity is a lifelong journey and I want to take as long as I need.

Thank you guys so much for reading and I hope you to have a healthy and balanced life! Happy writing!